OMT One Man's Trash...from Norman Leahy

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 :::

Country Dick and the Budget Negotiators

The budget talks between the House and Senate resumed for a very brief time yesterday, much to the chagrin of reporters and participants alike.


Because this story is so damned boring, let's liven it up. Instead of meeting for just a few minutes to exchange mash notes and glares, let's have the worthies plunked into a spare basement bedroom that smells like feet and stale beer -- kind of like my old fraternity house. And they're going to stay in that basement, and meet in that room, until the deal is done. Or someone drops - whichever comes first.

Well, the worthies will need some advice on surviving in such harsh conditions. And who better to help them make a deal and arrive alive than the late Country Dick Montana, and his Rules of the Road.

Some of these might come in real handy:

1 million cassettes and CDs (124,712 for misplacing; 91,039 for givin' away; 380,000 for thieves; 250,000 for breakage; 197,457 for throwin' out windows; 4 for playin'; rest for layin' 'round the floor)

All your clothes

1 cheap camera that your roommate probably won't even miss

2 rolls of duct tape

Most of a roll of somebody's stamps

1 rabbit's foot, 1 mojo bag, and 1 suitcase full of good luck candles

2 comfortable shoes

Everybody's sedatives

A copy of the "Beat Farmers' Bowl Report" - a detailed rating of North American rest rooms in categories ranging from acoustics to seat condition and water temperature. It'll become your best friend.

1 Swiss army knife

4 skin mags

An ice chest

2 pairs of sunglasses, 1 to hunt around for several times a day and 1 to replace the ones that just blew off when ya stuck yer dumb head out the van window

1 "Do not disturb" sign

5 international symbols for radioactivity

A condom

Some Super Glue and an extra large, all-purpose rock-solid alibi.

Yeah, maybe they all don't exactly apply...or maybe they do (depends on how crisp the folds are in your underwear). But they sure would make things a lot more interesting.

::: posted by Norman Leahy at 4/19/2006 0 comments


"You know what the fellow said: In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they also produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love -- they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock." -- Orson Welles, The Third Man

"The graveyards are full of indespensable men" -- Charles de Gaulle

"Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese!" -- Montgomery Burns

"Don't pretend that you know me...cause I don't even know myself" -- The Who

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