Country Dick and the Budget Negotiators
Wednesday, April 19, 2006 :::
The budget talks between the House and Senate resumed for a very brief time yesterday, much to the chagrin of reporters and participants alike.
Because this story is so damned boring, let's liven it up. Instead of meeting for just a few minutes to exchange mash notes and glares, let's have the worthies plunked into a spare basement bedroom that smells like feet and stale beer -- kind of like my old fraternity house. And they're going to stay in that basement, and meet in that room, until the deal is done. Or someone drops - whichever comes first.
Well, the worthies will need some advice on surviving in such harsh conditions. And who better to help them make a deal and arrive alive than the late Country Dick Montana, and his Rules of the Road.
Some of these might come in real handy:
1 million cassettes and CDs (124,712 for misplacing; 91,039 for givin' away; 380,000 for thieves; 250,000 for breakage; 197,457 for throwin' out windows; 4 for playin'; rest for layin' 'round the floor)
All your clothes
1 cheap camera that your roommate probably won't even miss
2 rolls of duct tape
Most of a roll of somebody's stamps
1 rabbit's foot, 1 mojo bag, and 1 suitcase full of good luck candles
2 comfortable shoes
A copy of the "Beat Farmers' Bowl Report" - a detailed rating of North American rest rooms in categories ranging from acoustics to seat condition and water temperature. It'll become your best friend.
1 Swiss army knife
4 skin mags
An ice chest
2 pairs of sunglasses, 1 to hunt around for several times a day and 1 to replace the ones that just blew off when ya stuck yer dumb head out the van window
1 "Do not disturb" sign
5 international symbols for radioactivity
Some Super Glue and an extra large, all-purpose rock-solid alibi.
Yeah, maybe they all don't exactly apply...or maybe they do (depends on how crisp the folds are in your underwear). But they sure would make things a lot more interesting.
::: posted by Norman Leahy at 4/19/2006